SnackSize Fics
by beexfeatheryduster
Summary: Just a series of 100 word shorts, designed with humourous intent. Rated M for a reason. Hope you enjoy, I know I enjoyed writing them. First short is Lucius Malfoy's confession. Originally 'Short Shorts', changed after Sensiardust' description of the fics
1. Chapter 1

The interrogation of Lucius Malfoy had begun at ten o'clock. The committee consisted of Head of the Auror Office, Gawain Robards, newly elected Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour and Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Amelia Bones. The whole purpose of them being there was to extract a confession from Malfoy. As the Head of Law Enforcement Amelia had to be present. Aurors had apprehended Malfoy so Gawain had to be present. For an hour Malfoy had said nothing. Then, he spoke

"In confess. I'm not naturally blonde" He sighed, tears in his eyes


	2. Chapter 2

Remus checked the coast was clear, before heading into his room. He shut the door and jumped onto his bed, shaking his pillowcase until a photo slipped out. He dropped the pillow and picked up the photo, pressing his lips to the face on the photo. It was Sirius. Remus kissed and licked the photo. So caught up was he that he didn't notice Harry

"Remus; what are you doing?" Remus dropped the photo guiltily, blushing. Harry picked it up, his face losing all colour

"I never want to think. You. Sirius" Harry shuddered


	3. Chapter 3

Harry had suggested to Ginny that they needed to spice up their sex life. He had not expected this. Her and Luna Lovegood were stripped down to their knickers and were snogging. Luna clutched Ginny close with one hand round her back, the other in Ginny's pants. His girlfriend ground against Luna's hand, breaking the kiss to gasp out 'Luna!'. Harry was harder than a rock. Then. Luna removed her hand

"Come join us Harry" She said dreamily. Harry tried to stand but found he couldn't.

"Spicy enough?" Ginny asked with false innocence


	4. Chapter 4

Finally Pansy had Draco Malfoy. He wasn't very good in bed, but she would teach him. For now though, she'd let him have his moment. She hooked her angles together behind his back and pulled him closer to her, looking for him to thrust deeper. He pumped in and out of her at a steady pace, his shaft rubbing against her walls over and over. Not the best shag around but nonetheless Pansy could feel those small flutters within her, hinting towards possible orgasm soon

"Oh Harry" Draco moaned. Pansy stiffened

"What!" She shrieked


	5. Chapter 5

The Dark Lord had called for Wormtail. Servitude was insufferable and if not for the constant threat of torture/death Wormtail would have… Well, he couldn't have done anything that didn't result in imprisonment, death or the Dementor's Kiss. Wormtail shuddered as he opened the door to the Dark Lord's chamber. Inside was horrific. The Dark Lord was wearing a curly blonde wig, a pink princess dress, pink wings and a shiny, plastic silver crown.

"Do I make a good fairy princess?" The Dark Lord asked seriously. To Wormtail, that Kiss was looking pretty attractive now


	6. Chapter 6

Draco couldn't believe it. All because he was drunk and took a stupid bet. In his intoxicated mind he thought he could steal a kiss from Granger but he hadn't. Blaise had won and now, the great Draco Lucius Malfoy, was hoovering. The muggle device roared at him, even when he moved it. With each forward and backward motion, he cursed and damned Blaise to hell. It couldn't get any worse

"Harry, Mione, come look at this!" Weasley called and Draco looked up to see the Golden Trio standing in the doorway. His humiliation was complete.


	7. Chapter 7

"Ooooo Sev- mmmmmmm" Hermione moaned as Severus Snape bit her neck. They hadn't been able to see each other for so long and now finally. Hermione was so happy, and so aroused. His hands moved to her breasts, his lips following quickly and Hermione gripped onto his slick hair

"Do you have that book on wandless magic Hermione?" Hermione's face flushed red and Severus stiffened, both looking over to the door. Luna Lovegood stood there, smiling dreamily

"No Luna!" Hermione exclaimed, finding her voice

Okay" Luna chirped before waving and skipping away


	8. Chapter 8

Harry's back found the wall. He ran his hands along the sleek contours of Draco's body. Harry moaned into Draco's mouth as the blonde cupped his arse, his wicked tongue thrusting into Harry's mouth. Harry ground himself against Draco's body, both feeling the other's hardness

"HARRY POTTER!" Ginny shrieked. Draco pulled away from Harry, looking to the shocked redhead

"Ah Weaslette. Do you have a condom?" Draco asked. Ginny shook her head

"Then piss off. I'm about to screw Potter" Draco pulled the broom closet door shut and returned to kissing Harry


	9. Chapter 9

Harry was on his way to see the Headmaster. He stepped off the moving staircase, ready to walk in when he noticed a sign stuck to the door. Curious, Harry read it

"WARNING! Keep your back to the wall AT ALL TIMES! If he offers you a lemon drop DO NOT TAKE IT! This is for YOUR OWN GOOD!" Harry shook his head, dismissing the warning and walking in

When he walked out, his appearance dishevelled he looked to the sign

"You should have said 'watch out, he's gay'" Harry remarked angrily


	10. Chapter 10

"I, saint Potter. Knight thee, Ronald Weasley, in the name of my boots, my scar and myself. Arise, Sir Weasley!" Harry proclaimed as he tapped a quill on Ron's right shoulder, his left shoulder, and then his right shoulder again. Ron jumped to his feet, grinning like a madman. Seamus Finnegan had been watching the whole thing and all he could think was

'Wow, Malfoy was right. He really DOES think he's a saint and that we should worship his boots and scar'

Dean Thomas on the other hand thought only this 'what a fucking arrogant dick'


	11. Chapter 11

Neville had known he was going to get detention. There was no way Professor Snape wouldn't have found out about the Boggart. Neville made his miserable way down to the potion's classroom. Sighing heavily, he entered and was met with a sight he'd never forget. Professor Snape was standing in an emerald green dress, a hat with a peacocks feather on his head, black gloves reaching to his elbows and a black feather boa.

"Your so charming" He giggled to the room. Scarred for life, Neville shut the door. _St Mungo's or a coffin, here I come_ he thought.


	12. Chapter 12

Albus Dumbledore had just left Harry Potter in the Hospital Wing, and he was not proud of it. He had been a coward, and had not told the boy about the prophecy. He had defended his decision by claiming that the boy was too young. He would always be too young though. Albus sighed and pushed open his door, to find Minerva standing there.

"Did you know Albus?" She asked sternly. Internally he winced, knowing what was coming.

"Well, I did suspect that his multiple personality disorder had advanced just slightly" Albus said simply.


	13. Chapter 13

Lucius Malfoy walks in and takes a deep breath.

"Do you smell that? That is the scent of pureblood aristocracy" He tips his head back and holds his arms out wide, like Jesus on the cross (or Andy Dufresne after he escapes Shawshank Prison).

"Introducing 'Luscious', the new fragrance" Lucius strokes the snake's head on his cane before speaking.

"Because we are better than you" He says proudly. He turns around and walks away, not even bothering to shut the door behind him, flicking his long, blonde, feminine hair as he leaves.


End file.
